And time stands still again as my watch stops dead for the 15th time this month. I would love more time, extended time, drawn out for ever like a lazy Saturday afternoon in summer when the sun is hot, the flies buzz and the only movement done is between the lounge chair and the lake. I feel I'm not sure how I got here. 32, now 33! I've cycled through many relationships, 2 careers, a few apartments, 2 countries, 3 cities. I always thought there was a point in life where you've arrived. Destination success and you can step off the train onto the platform and know you've made it to the place you've been trying to get to. But I keep getting to the platform only to realize there is another train to catch. A connection to make, a new destination I didn't know existed before I arrived.
In high school, the destination was college. Then it was a job in New York City. Next an apartment I could call my own, a studio in the East Village. Then I wanted a boyfriend, then to live with him. I longed to leave New York City, to move overseas. Then I got to Australia and I wanted so badly to be a yoga teacher. Then I was teaching 15 classes a week and I wanted to travel to India and to be single. I returned from India, and wanted marriage and a few kids.
WAIT a minute...slow down.
What happens each time I arrive? Each time, a few months of exploring, sight seeing, awareness heightened, senses alive to the newness of this place. My brain is alert, awake and then slowly it fades. The dingy small bar, filled with bearded hipsters seems annoying, the studio apartment gets lonely, even the purple blossoms of the jacaranda tree become less brilliant against the expansive blueness of the sky. I hardly see it anymore as I'm rushing by to get to my new trip. My latest destination that will immensely improve my life I'm sure of it.
As I wax lyrical I wish I could say I've hit on a massive life change. Simply enjoying the views out the train window as they fly past. But I haven't. I still now can't wait to have our wedding, to be married. I can't wait to watch my belly grow big and then hear the calls of "mom". I long to get my master's degree and be a certified psychologist. I hope I figure it out soon, because I'm flying through this thing I call my life and I'm yearning to slow down so I can lap it all up. For we only get this one.